Let's just quickly rewind the past few weeks.
The Captain had a bday with an awesome party planned by yours truly.
The very next day we packed our bags and flew to Salt Lake to spend a week in the mountains with my family.
The day after I got back home, the Captain went in for what we are calling his "Iron Man Surgery"
Um yeah...it's been a little crazy around the Fergie house.
But I'm ready to catch you back up on all the crazy fun adventures.
(Don't let me forget to tell you about the potgut in the chip bag!)
But for now...the Captain would like to take over.
We thought we would let you know a little (or a lot) about the surgery I had last week. I recently met a lot of Sallie's family on our trip to Utah for the first time, but all of them already knew pretty much everything about me (except that most of them actually called me The Captain, so I knew it came from this apparently crazy famous blog.) So Shout out to the Schaellings, who it was good to meet.
I've always called it the "dent" or "hole" in my chest. My chest was concave.
How did I come by that? Long story short, my Dad has always been quite the athlete and been into sports. He took me to a Track and Field event when he was still studying at BYU. He was holding me watching some friends compete, and somebody's shot put went a very wrong direction and hit the baby that my dad was holding (me). It dented my sternum, but everything worked out in the end.
Did you actually gasp out loud? I hope you did because my favorite reaction when I've told that story is Gasp! "Did it hurt?!" No it didn't hurt because I made it up. Not true. I was born with it. I know, now you hate me for convincing you otherwise.
No. I wasn't "sucking in."
It had never bothered me before. I suddenly was becoming really short of breath this year from it, and I could feel my heart "pressing" against my chest. It hurt. But it had never bothered me before.
I was born with a condition called Pectus Excavatum. The link to Wikipedia has a better image to show how severe it can really be. It was kind of like my sternum bent inward. That's what I always thought it was. Apparently the cartilage in that area grew inward. Most people's cartilage grows flat to connect the sternum to the ribs.
Embarrassing Pre-Op Story (best part of this post)
I decided that funny stories (no matter how embarrassing) aren't funny if you don't share them. I've learned this from experience and from crying from laughing at funny true stories on The Weed, like The Morning Run. Funny stories. And amazing story. Also an old roommate's brother.
So the day of surgery I was waiting in a pre-op room for like 5 hours because their previous surgery had complications. We got in there and they give my hospital gown. Yeah, the one where your butt hangs out. And they gave me socks that I could wear during surgery. That's it. Soo... Everybody leaves the room except Sallie and I go to change into my gown (which basically means getting naked) when I have this idea. I give Sallie my sexy eyes and I rip open my pearl snap shirt.
After the bottom three buttons of my shirt have shot across the room and Sallie's eyes have grown wide in shock (either from my sexy eyes or from me tearing apart my nice shirt), I realize that I'm wearing just a normal button down and that I've just ripped those buttons off my shirt. Sallie starts laughing and I immediately try to find the three buttons, one of which I know is somewhere under the giant mechanical hospital bed. So I'm trying not to lay my bare chest on the floor because I had to shower twice before surgery with antibacterial soap. Sallie is still just laughing at me. I did find the buttons, by the way, but they were are covered in embarrassment. I don't know if I want them back now.
They cut my chest open (look for the long incision in the middle of my chest) and literally chiseled out the cartilage that connected my breast plate to my ribs and literally had to separate my ribs from my strerunm. The surgeon then wiggled around my sternum to put it in the place where he wanted it to be. He put in a metal plate that connected my ribs and placed the sternum over it. The new cartilage will grow over the plate and grow flat. And if need be, he can remove the plate at a later date.
It hurts. A lot. I was on morphine for like 4 days. And it still hurts.
I have always, always been the person in the room to get in trouble for talking. I literally had a mark on my report card EVERY SINGLE SIX WEEKS in grade school (K-^6 under "Can't control talking" except one teacher who I think was just too lazy to mark it. And I could never whisper successfully.
Currently, my lungs are "irritated" and breathing is still slightly difficult. I kind of whisper all the time and getting long stories out requires long pauses where I work to catch my breath.
They put me in ICU right after surgery on Wednesday and I stayed there because of the constant monitoring until I was released on Monday. The electrodes were monitoring my heart and this light bulb in tape (on my finger) was monitoring the oxygen levels in my blood.
And the IV was in my neck. Not a big fan of that.
I had to go on walks and was supposed to brace my chest with that blue pillow. Yes, I got to take the pillow home and I take it everywhere.
I a going on my walk with my socks, compression socks underneath those to prevent clotting, and two hospital gowns because my butt would be hanging out if they didn't cape me with a second one.
I can't lift anything over 10 pounds (for one month), and the pains and aches should be gone about two months from now. And then I should live happily ever after.
Sallie knew she had to take a picture of me riding in motorized carts at walmart. It was my first time out of the house after I had come home from the hospital. I now get winded walking to the car. I thought this was a better idea than passing out in walmart.
I had smiled for the camera, when an unexpected and really painful cough came out of nowhere. And Sallie is going "Smile!" So you get a fake smile here. It's completely fake.
Upsides - I was basically naked all week. I got to watch a lot of TV. The Olympics were on TV. My chest no longer will make me short of breath. A lot of friends came to visit me, and I appreciated every one of them. I'm hoping the metal plate will boost my phone reception.
Downsides - I was basically naked all week. TV got boring really quick. Sponge baths are not only not as cleansing as a real shower/bath but they are really awkward. It hurts, sometimes a lot.
For now, just don't give me an unexpected hug or hit me in the chest. Really. That will hurt.
Oh, and yeah, I have a metal plate in my chest. I'm pretty sure that a well-placed bolt of lightning, maybe some radiation and/or toxic waste just might merit me super powers. I hope.
-Thanks for letting me give you a lengthy post.
P.S. It's going to be a wicked scar. My brother thinks I should get a bear claw necklace and tell a story about a bear attack when asked about the scar. Bonus points if you can come up with a better story and leave it in a comment below. Really, bonus points.